Who wants some water?

You know what really grinds my gears....

....empty water coolers! HUGE pet peeve!!

It's a cold wintry morning as I settle into my chair at work. Hands still cold from the drive in, I feel that perhaps a cup of tea will help warm my still waking body. I saunter down to the mini-kitchen, grab a foam cup inked with our company logo, and depress the red lever on the water cooler. A slow, thin stream of semi-hot water trickles out and stops. I glance up, and low and behold the jug is empty yet again! After not so quietly cursing the lazy fuckers on my floor, I grab a new one and toss it in for a fresh supply. Difficult...not at all.

I mean I can understand if you're a fragile 115lb woman and perhaps the 50lb water jug is too awkward and heavy to pick up and change, but my floor is 95% men and I find it empty far too often! How hard is it to yank the empty container out and put in a new one?!?!?! It's not like you dont know that YOU were the asshole who emptied it! What goes through someone's mind in that case? Oh look there goes all the water...better send out psychic messages for the water fairy to come and change it. I think I'm going to stake out the kitchen and severely beat the next lazy, selfish, piece of shit that finds it too time consuming or strenuous to change!! I'll sit them in front of the empty jug like a dog who just pissed on the carpet and say...See this you inconsiderate dick...it's fucking empty! Then we'll sit there till their tears fill it up enough for my cup of tea.


And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Dont judge based on color...

You know what really grinds my gears....

....unripened fruit thats dished out to you like people are doing you some kind of favor. Let me take you through it. So i'm making my way through the various overcooked flavorless garbage they call lunch here and at the end of the assembly line I spot a glowing bowl of colorful fruit. I push my way through the overweight losers and smile in eager anticipation for some salvation. I load a bowl with bright orange cantaloupe, fresh succulent honeydew, golden pineapple, and juicy strawberries.

Hurrying back to my desk I swallow the other crap I picked up, saving the fruit for last. Finally the moment is here. I pick up a slice of cantaloupe and CRUNCH!!! It's rock solid and tastes like an orange block of styrofoam! Disgusted i spit it in the trash and go for the honeydew....succulent? I think NOT! More like green wet newspaper! Now the blood is slowly beginning to boil...I try the pineapple....only to find that having it sit for hours in the juices of 4 other fruits have left it tasting like the shit spit out of garbage disposal. Oh but surely the juicy strawberries will save me! Nice try! Juicy...yes....from the slow decay and rot that has overtaken them before they were served to us as a "healthy" alternative.

Does anyone inspect this mess?!! I wouldnt pay for and woudlnt eat this shit if it was free...which it is! One of these days i'm just going to sit in front of the bowl of "fresh fruit" and taste every piece till i find a good one...spitting the nasty unripened chunks at the lunch ladies .

And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Damn you lettuce and all your kin!

You know what really grinds my gears....

LETTUCE!!! I HATE IT!!! It's completely useless in all it's forms, clutters plates, and is used as filler in foods. First of all iceberg. You are disgusting and annoying. You come in that stupid ball shape that I'd rather throw at fat kids than eat. Just to eat you I have to de-core, peel, and cut you into smaller pieces. And for what!! So I have to coat your nasty taste in gallons of dressing, defeating any semblance of healthy eating!!! Screw you Iceberg!

Oh so try romaine you say? FU, I say! It's just as bad if not worse. It's all leafy and gay and twice as bothersome. Sure it's easier to cut and serve, which is why i think it's so popular, but wtf is with that 'spine' running down the middle of it? Some are so fucking big it's like 90% of what you get in salads! It's disgusting and provides NO nutritional value. Too many places enjoy filling your bowl with these leafless pieces of shit to scam you out of your money!!

Now to mention the fad of placing one GIANT leaf on a sandwich when you order out. One of these examples is at Wendys. So i order a spicy chicken sandwich and while opening it, i'm like why is this all elevated and funky. Oh look there's a huge fucking slice of romaine on it, with the middle of the leaf looking like it's got a speed bump running through it! Biting this thing totally ruined the sandwich as it added the taste of sprinkled mexican dirt!! Pissed off I quickly ripped this out and mashed it in the trash!

That aside, even if you have a salad, you can never mix it without little shitty pieces flying all over! They never stay on your fork and end up spewing dressing all over your face when you try to fit it into your mouth. Cutting it smaller only serves to have many more impossible-to-stab bits sliding off your plate and onto your work pants you just washed yesterday!! So I finally say...to hell with you lettuce and all your kin...i'm done!! Kiss my ass!

And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Dont drop the soap...FILL it!

You know what really grinds my gears....

....empty office bathroom soap dispensers!! Especially when they're empty for DAYS...i mean how hard is it for the semi-retarded bathroom janitor to press the fucking pumps when he walks by. No soap = EMPTY! Empty = FILL it up dickwad!! This place constantly has little to no soap in the dispensers and you have to walk down the line of 4 sinks to find one with a tiny drip in it. Then jam on it 50 times to extract the stuff. You would think it's liquid gold or something! I mean a bathroom is a dirty germ filled cesspool...a little cleaning product would be nice!!!! SHIT!

And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Bloggers

You know what really grinds my gears....

People who havent updated their blogs in like 8 months. I mean come on wtf is your problem. Dont tell me you all of a sudden got a life you lazy bastard.

So what if I'm talking about myself, screw you! And now I shall begin a few new posts.

And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Hello you're in a diner...

You know what really grinds my gears....

People who dont know how to order food in a diner. Yes that's right you're in a diner....not some fancy italian restaurant, or an upscale seafood establishment, so know the rules when you order!

Diner's are for basics....burgers, salads, sandwiches, breakfast, and of course dessert. So dont be ordering some nasty ass "gourmet" fish filet that smells like week old road kill scraped off the side of a desert highway. If i wasnt already finished my food i would have gotten up and left. My poor friend Cindy who was already not eating because of a stomach bug nearly puked all over. Dont get creative people...stick to the basics.

And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Terrorists

You know what really grinds my gears....

Stupid f-ing terrorists that screw shit up for the rest of the world. I'm talking of course about the ban on liquid/gel substances for carry on luggage that covers pretty much everything that isnt a big solid rock. I dont even think the terrorists were planning on a gel bomb. No I think they were just organizing their annual terrorist party and the "liquid" they were carrying was fresh squeezed goat sperm. I mean isnt it tradition for them to tell of their "heroics" while toasting a warm glass of goat cum and yelling "Aaaalalalalalala"?? Well, that's what I was always told....anyway damn them for messing up my flights!

And that fellow bloggers is what really grinds my gears.

Your blog is lacking...

You know what really grinds my gears....

People who feel it necessary to tell me that I need a new post on my blog. Like I dont know it's been almost a week. I mean sure i know you love them but i'll get around to it when I can!

Real world....not really

You know what really grinds my gears....

People who live in a little bubble of their own reality. Sure everyone has their own outlook on life, but i'm talking about these morons who blind themselves to everything that's going on around them for so many years that they truly start to believe the shit they're shoveling out.

From what I've seen these people are too chickenshit to wake up and deal with a little confrontation that would only make their lives better in the end. Instead they either sit back and make idiotic excuses on why they cant do anything about their situation, or dont say anything at all and just giggle or fakely laugh off everything you're telling them.

Need a few examples of what i'm talking about...ok...

Person A: Bf/gf shows up when they want, doesnt pick up phone calls, dictates who can or can not be their friend, and if its the opposite sex, it's automatically a no, expects a report of their daily activities, and generally sucks ass. Person A handles situation by saying "They wont listen to me so i'm not going to waste my breath, i'll just deal with it." A perfect solution.

Person B: Been engaged for 6 yrs, turning 30, significant other rules their life from what toilet paper to buy to the proper way to open the fridge without leaving fingerprints. Person B knows their partner cheats, cares more about their tequila collection than them, and that their entire family hates everything about their partner. Person B deals with this by constantly putting off the wedding with excuses like we need to buy a house/deck/curtains/ice cream/lawn fertilizer/etc. All of which have happened, and if u bring this up person B will simply stay silent and smile like damn fool. Issues....what issues?

Person C: mid 20's, excellent job, continues to let parents run their life knowing everything they want is the complete opposite of what will make them happy. Only time Person C will admit some of this is during one of the frequent nervous breakdowns they have because not a single person in their family can be honest with each other. Person C deals with this by saying "Whatever, I just dont want to hear them bitch." Problem solved.

And that fellow bloggers, is what really grinds my gears.

Stupid yogurts

You know what really grinds my gears....

Damn vacuum sealed yogurts!! Why are these things so compressed that when you open the little bastards, bits of yogurt come flying out all over your shirt. WTF! Man that pisses me off!! I think I'm just gonna but those thick custard ones for now on. Ugh!

And that fellow bloggers, is what really grinds my gears.

I love everyone...was that a bad lie?

You know what really grinds my gears....

People who KNOW they're bad liars yet they continue to try and bullshit you. These are the same idiots who think they can be fake to your face and get away with it. Even after you confront them on their many lies, flimsy excuses, and general bullshit they still think they're slick and keep trying. One easy way to spot the bad lie is it usually contains too much detail.

Let's take an example,

Dude 1: Hey lets go to lunch.

Liar: Yo I'm busy, I have to send an email to my mom about the 13th annual family snail race, then I think i need to make some tea because my throat is tender from standing in the cold last night while I was walking my dog who decided to run when he saw a deer, but it really wasnt a deer it was pile of garbage that actually looked more like a zebra than a deer, and then.....

Dude 1: Uhh yeah ok, i was just going to eat, i didnt actually care that much, bye.

Please keep in mind i'm only ranting about the people who actively try to lie and think they're doing it well. This doesnt apply to blatant bad lies used to deter annoying people, these are called useful lies. Case in point:

Ugly girl: Hi do you want to go out Sat night to my brother's chess match? I think they're serving punch!

Useful Liar: Sorry no I cant make it. I cut a leg off my pet starfish and i'll be watching it regrow all weekend, maybe another time.

And that fellow bloggers, is what really grinds my gears.